


100 Reasons Why

by Elireide



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Gen, I'm so sorry, Langst, M/M, Possible Spoilers, i crave angst, klance, klangst, what have I done?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-14 09:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 27
Words: 18,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13004436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elireide/pseuds/Elireide
Summary: Lance is struggling to find his place so he starts a list.  What is the list for?  How will Keith help?https://open.spotify.com/user/227kb4rfr274fcfcyopx3lgai/playlist/7EwZt4FASPSQYcvfye6Ssh^Playlist with songs^https://oreliforshort.tumblr.com/image/168810879061^Cover art by me^





	1. #1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter : "Noah's Arc" by Young Heretics

1   
  
_ Well let's see if we can't use this complete failure as a lesson for the rest of you students. _

 

**Journal**

**Date: What even are the Altean months? Do they have months?**

 

Failure is something we’ve all grown accustomed to.  Heck, over time I’m sure we all kinda got used to realizing none of us had any idea what we were doing.  Well, except for pidge maybe.  But, that’s because she’s actually incredible.  She! How did I not notice that?

If I could change anything, it would be the beginning I guess.  Something could have been different to make it so I didn’t go that day.  Sure, I would have missed out on getting to see all the aliens and planets.  And obviously, I wouldn’t have been able to play paladin, but I’m sure it would have been better for everyone in the end.

There are many nights that I just...lay there, thinking of all the reasons I should be better.  I think of all the things I could  _ do  _ better, but it doesn’t really change anything.  I should be stronger.  I should be smarter.  I could be both of these things.  If I thought it would make a difference, I would try, but the others don’t look at me for those things anymore.   


The others don’t really look at me anymore at all.. 

Hunk and I use to be best buddies, but studying was boring.  Back in school, I could keep pretty good grades, even if I didn’t try.  But to actually sit down and  _ want _ to learn more than I had to...well, that was dull.  Despite that, we were close at the garrison.  I thought it would be that way forever.   


But Pidge was cooler than me.  Even I have to admit that.  She could outsmart Hunk, and before meeting her, I was sure that couldn’t happen.  So it was only natural that the two of them would click.  Together, they are smarter.  When they work together, they can accomplish so many great things.  Who am I to complain that my best bud seems to be happier hanging with someone else these days?

But I said I would make a list.  So that’s what I’m going to do.   Starting today, I am writing down my reasons. So I guess for this one...because I am the only Lance McClain. And someone -  _ somewhere _ \- might have something to learn from me.


	2. #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homesick Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Where Is My Mind : by Yoav

_...Earth.  It’s so far, I can’t even see it.  The blue oceans, the white clouds, the green grass...I...I can’t see any of it. _

 

**Journal**

**Date: Is space time the same as Earth anyway?**

 

I’ve never been away from home for long.  Even when I was in school, I spent a lot more time at my house than most of the other kids I knew.  My family was close.  Probably still are.  I wonder who misses me most?  Probably mom.  No more babysitter and no more housekeeper. 

Not that I didn’t like being the babysitter or the housekeeper.  Maybe that's why I've taken to helping Corran with chores. Heck, I actually enjoyed cleaning the kitchen with the others.  Especially when it was just us kids!  We would spray each other, throw bubbles, smack each other with towels and end up drenched.  Mom was always mad, but not really.  She would yell, “ _ limpia este desastre _ ”  in her angry mom voice but she was always smiling.

I miss all of them.  But I don’t want to show it, because the others have lost more than me.  They’ve all sacrificed so much.  Most of them will never have the chance to go home or see their family again.  I mean, I’m pretty sure Keith doesn’t even have a family.  Which is really shitty.  I couldn’t imagine not having a family to argue with every night over dinner.

It seems so stupid to miss something as trivial as that, but even when we were all yelling, I loved dinner time at home.  Little sis complaining about the peas for the third time that week.   Hermano sneaking little bits of his steak under the table to Noodle.  Papa pretending he doesn’t notice Noodle darting away to eat the food before coming back and begging again.

The food fight was one of the happiest moments I’ve had so far.  It was almost like being home again.  All of us at the table, yelling happily, throwing goo all over the place, making a giant mess.  It almost felt like it was normal for a bit.

But night time is quiet here.  There are no crickets to sing their lullabies.  No animals outside to howl a chorus.  The wind doesn’t whistle through my always open windows, telling stories of the day.  And I miss them almost as much as I miss everything else.

My room is empty too.  No sneaking little sisters coming in hoping to hear  _ just one more  _ bedtime story before deciding she was too tired to go back to her room. In this castle...ship...whatever, I don’t have to get up a few times a night to get more water for Allita or Fernán.  Not once have I been woken because someone had a nightmare but didn’t want to bother mom and papa.    


And I miss it.  I miss my broken sleep. I miss complaining that the house was too loud.  I miss not having my own bed most nights.  And explaining something like that to the others just seems stupid.  They all have enough on their plates.  Way more than I do anyway.    


Shiro just got home then was ripped away again.  Pidge is still hunting for family she may or may not ever find.  Hunk is scared, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.  Keith...I’m not sure Keith ever felt like he belonged to begin with.  And Allura and Corran lost literally everything.  So who am I to complain about missing a little noise?

My list isn’t growing very fast.  But I guess reason #2 will be little brothers and sisters.


	3. #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I thought saving the universe would be a pretty killer job. But, honestly, it’s more work and heartache than I was ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Arsonist's Lullaby by Hozier

3

_Defenders of the Universe, huh?_

**Journal**   
**Date: Haven’t had one yet. Whatever.**

I thought saving the universe would be a pretty killer job. But, honestly, it’s more work and heartache than I was ready for. So much for being a super cool hero, huh? I’d rather be a nobody back home than this.

Between saving planets, almost dying and never quite being good enough to match the others, being a paladin basically sucks most of the time. I mean, sure it’s kinda cool that we are saving aliens and making the universe a safer place or whatever, but I want to have friends again, damnit. I want to be a normal goddamn teenager again.

My place within the Paladins has become relatively clear to me. The others either forgot, or just don’t know, that I am smart. So, I guess I should forget too, right? After all, if my place isn’t as the castle’s jester, then what good am I? Everyone else has someone.

Hunk has Pidge. They are all sciencey together.  
Keith has Shiro. If I didn’t know better, I’d say they were brothers.  
Allura has Corran. I mean...obviously they are close. They’re the only Alteans here.

I know I should be happy that I get to see everyone be happy. But, sometimes it’s hard to defend a universe you don’t feel like you belong in.

As childish as it sounds, I just want to go home. At home, I belong. There, I’m important. I’m not just around to make someone laugh or let someone blow off steam.

It’s stupid to miss somewhere you might not ever return but I really can’t help it most of the time. At night, I just dream of being back again. Getting to see everyone once more. Not knowing the chaos that’s going on in our universe. Heck, just not knowing that Earth might be destroyed at any given day would be better than this.

At least when I was on Earth, when I was anxious, I could tell stories to Allita and Fernán and it could calm my nerves. Mom would make cinnamon tea and we would sit on the porch swing. Sometimes we would say nothing and yet, I always felt better. We would sit out there for hours and just enjoy the quietude of the outdoors until I felt calm enough to go back to...whatever I’d been doing.

But in space there is no cinnamon tea. No porch swings. No bedtime stories. Space is just trial after trial and an endless night sky. I miss the sunrise. And the sunset. I want to see it again.

Ok, reason #3...cinnamon tea.


	4. #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Slowly we fell into slumber and I held you Until the End by Ursine Vulpine

_ Smiling is the best way to face every problem, to crush every fear and to hide every pain. _

 

Lance wakes up the same way he always does.  Alone.  And while he always pretended it was the alien girls he wished to wake up with, he knew it was more than that.  Or maybe it was less than that?  He just wanted to wake up to  _ someone _ again.  He felt so repetitive, missing the same family, the same sunset, the same ocean and the same boring rain.  But every day that he wakes up in space, millions and billions of miles from Earth, Lance realizes his longing is the only thing that has remained constant.

The others have all improved.  The others have goals and desires.  But, Lance doesn’t have a goal in mind.  He cleans his face, knowing that it hasn’t really gotten dirty.  It’s not like there’s dust all over.  Or dirt.  But the reason he cleans his face isn’t so much because he’s worried it will be dirty as much as it is, he wants to be able to wipe something clean every day.  He wants to pretend each day isn’t such a challenge.  So, he washes his fears away.  

Letting the others see that fearful face isn’t something Lance will let happen easily.  Even when he had protected Corran from the explosion and Lance was certain he was going to die, he hadn’t let it show.  He  _ couldn’t  _ let it show.  In everyone else’s eyes, he was the jokester.  Lance couldn’t be afraid now.  Not now, not ever.

So, as with every other morning, he would get dressed and ready before heading out to have his breakfast.  Hunk would usually already be there, either eating or cooking.  Either way, his friend would usually greet him boisterously before returning to his food.  Sometimes he would run into his hero and they would share a couple of calm words before continuing on their way.  Corran had become a pretty good friend already, in his...very Corran way.  So they would sometimes talk and joke around while sharing a meal.  On the rarer occasion that Allura happened to be in the kitchen, Lance would sling some sort of flirtatious line, knowing full well it would annoy her.

But this particular morning wasn’t like the rest.  On this day, his rival sat at the table, quiet - as if he was anything but - but somehow still frustrating.  Keith was always one step ahead of him as far as being a pilot, a paladin, a soldier, a….well, basically anything but being silly.  The red paladin had been so upset that Lance couldn’t remember their “bonding moment” as he recalled it.  Maybe one day he would admit he could remember it. 

“Morning Mullet.”  Lance grins with his devilish greeting before filling his plate with the goo he’d learned to appreciate.

“Good Morning, Lance.”  He responds in his calmly irritated voice as he seems to try to hurry and finish the rest of his meal.  Not looking in Lance’s direction, Keith waits for whatever annoying scheme Lance would come up with to bother him.  But Lance doesn’t say anything.  

Finally, Keith can’t take the unusual silence, so he looks up to see Lance standing over his plate of food, staring out one of the castle windows into the galaxy outside.  Keith quickly looks to see what he’s looking at, but doesn’t spy anything out of the ordinary.  So he squints his eyes and looks back to Lance curiously.

“What are you looking at?”  

“Nothing.”  Lance responds quietly before snapping out of his trance and turning to Keith with a smile.  “Just not all the way awake yet, you know?”  He sits down at the opposite end of the table and props his feet up as he eats.  “Not all of us can be as perfect as you.”

“I’m not perfect?”  Keith responds with his eyebrows furrowed.  “I’m pretty sure no one’s ever said that.”  He grumbles before putting down his silverware and sitting back in his chair.

“Suuure.”  Lance says obnoxiously.  “Just the best pilot, an amazing fighter, dedicated, smart...but yeah.  You’re right.  Not perfect.”  But when Lance turns back to face Keith, it’s not the normal grumpy Keith he sees.  It’s fear.  It’s worry.  It’s all the emotions he knows so well, staring back at him.  Swallowing his pride and trying to remind himself that Keith isn’t  _ actually _ his rival, Lance sits down and smiles.  “What’s on your mind, buddy?”

“Really Lance?”  Keith just looks up to him angrily.  “I don’t feel like talking.”  He turns away, gripping the dagger Lance had noticed once or twice before.  In silence, Lance watches Keith and can feel the emotion radiating off of him.  The feelings Keith are struggling to come to terms with are ones Lance has struggled to grasp since their first day in space.

“Fine.  But hear me out at least.”  Lance says sternly to which Keith just groans.  He fidgets in his seat a bit, not sure why he’s going to share this with Keith of all people.  “Back at home, when I was lying or trying to hide something, someone would call me out.”  He scratches the back of his neck, not really looking up at Keith.  “Secrets are bad and just a waste of energy, is what  abuelita always said.”  He finally looks back up to Keith.  “So...stop wasting energy and just...talk to me, ok?”  

For a while, neither says a word.  Keith simply looks up to Lance, sort of shocked that the loud mouth goofball has said something so...serious?  But finally, Keith sighs and looks back to Lance.   “Finding out I was part Galra has been...not so great?”  He says finally.

Lance nods and takes a deep breath.  He sits down beside Keith and nods.  “I’m here for you, man.”  Lance says.  “And I mean, yeah, I know we’re  _ all in this together _ or whatever, but I mean it.”  He smiles at Keith.

“But doesn’t it bother you?”

“What, having a Keith on our team?”  Lance smiles.  “Sure.  It’s pretty annoying to always be one upped.”

“That’s not-”

“Ooohhh having to look at your mullet everyday?  Yeah that gets pretty old too.”

“ **Lance** I’m not joking around!”

“Neither am I.’  Lance smiles.  “You haven’t changed overnight.  You’re still the same Keith you were back on Earth.”  He sighs.  

Keith is taken aback.  He knew this, obviously, but of all of the paladins, he wouldn’t have expected  _ Lance _ of all of them to be so understanding.  Arms still crossed, he squints one eye at Lance before speaking.  “Why are you being so nice?”

“I-!”  Lance starts then cuts himself off nervously.  “No reason really.”  He rubs the back of his neck before bowing his head.  “It’s just…”  Swallowing hard, Lance starts to dramatically explain his thoughts almost as much with his hands as with his words.  “I grew up in Cuba, right?  But I went to school the same place as the rest of you.  That wasn’t easy either ok?  And sure, I wasn’t a  _ real _ alien, I was sure made to feel like one.  Grew up teaching myself to hide my accent so it wouldn’t be so obvious.  Heard all the whispers of people assuming I was second rate.”  He stops himself by shaking his head and making two tight fists.  “I guess what I’m saying is while I don’t  _ actually _ know what you’re feeling, I kinda get it?”

“Thanks Lance.”  Keith says after a few minutes of silence.  When they make eye contact, Keith is smiling.  Sure, it was nothing to write home about, but to Lance, it was as if his whole world had stopped.  He did it.  He made Keith smile.  Not one of those annoyed smiles either.  

“No problem, buddy.”  Lance rubs the back of his head.  “I’m here for you anytime.”  He then points toward him dramatically.  “But don’t think for one second that changes anything about one upping you!”  Lance raises an eyebrow at Keith which gets a small laugh out of the previously distraught teen.

“Yeah, yeah.”  Keith holds out his hand and for a second, Lance just stares at it.  Realizing what Keith was trying to do, Lance knocks the hand away and gives him a hug instead.  “Uh, Lance?”

“Yeah?”  

“What are you doing?”  Keith ask plainly.  

“Hugging you, obviously.”  Lance pulls back then smiles.  “You’ve had a lot on your mind.  Hugs help.”  He finishes his food finally.  “But really, I’ll be here if you need to talk again, ok?  Don’t feel like you have to keep everything to yourself.”

_ Hypocrite _

“Thanks.”  Keith nods.  “Really.”  Then he walks away toward...wherever Keith goes on freedays.

  
  


**Journal**

 

**Date: Not important**

**I...hugged Keith?!  What was I thinking?!**

  
  
  


Reason #4 - Making Keith smile.


	5. #5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Sirens by Fleurie

5

 

_ Nighttime is different.  Things are otherwise when the world is black. Insecurities and hurts, anxieties and fears grow teeth at night.  - Kate Morton _

  
  


When everyone else sleeps, Lance cannot help but worry.  His doubts, his fears they all come to life.  They circle his head, whispering like the demons they are.  He thought after a while it would stop.  Lance dreamed of the day he could sleep in peace again.  But those nights are typically only after long battles where he’s too tired to even change.

 

**You’re not good enough.  You’ll never be good enough.  You just happened to be in the right place at the right time.**

 

Lance remembers feeling wanted.  He remembers feeling loved.  Back home, with his family, he never had to doubt that there were people who loved and cared for him.  But here, in this castle, did anyone really  _ care _ about him or did they just deal with him?

Once, when they first started their journey, Lance thought he was living the dream.  All of his nights watching the rockets from Varadero finally paid off!  He was in a ship of his very own, with a crew and a  _ freaking princess.  _  No, not just any princess, a  _ gorgeous  _ **_alien_ ** _ princess _ .  Lance had his best friend, his classmate and even his hero to accompany him.    


But it didn’t take long for his opinions to change.  This was no dream.  A dream was something you wanted to keep living.  Not these long days with equally as long nights with nothing but the music from his crappy headphones to keep him company.

During the day, he spends his time joking with the others, even at their disdain because he realizes they all need a break.  He flirts with Allura, because - well, she  _ is _ really freaking pretty - but also because it gives her something else to focus on besides doom and gloom...if only for a minute.  If Lance can be silly and garnish even a grin or two when the others are stressed up to their eyeballs, he feels he’s done his job.

But at night?  That’s the time of day when he realizes that they would likely get more accomplished if it wasn’t for his constant screw ups.  When everyone else is asleep, Lance realizes that the rest of them roll their eyes at him because they are tired of him.  They have all grown.  He’s just stayed the same.    


Will he ever find a reason to  _ want _ to be out here like the others?  All of his family is back on Earth.  And, of course, this mission was to help save Earth too.  But it feels like such a long and distant thing.  When was the last time any of them even saw another human?  Will they really be able to save the universe anyway?  They’re just a messed up bunch of kids. 

Somewhere in the midst of his worries, Lance tends to fall asleep, pretending he was only so tired from exams.  Tonight, just as he’s about to drift off, Lance hears something.

 

_ Knock knock _

 

“Allita? Fernán?!”  Lance jumps out of his bed for a minute, forgetting where he is and hurriedly opens the door to be met with the face of a tired Keith.  “Right.”  Lance says aloud before realizing it.

“Right?”  Keith looks over then back to Lance.

“Er, nothing.  What’s up?”  Lance stretches then opens his door to let Keith inside.  Tiredly, Keith follows suit in stretching.

“I’m...not sure.”  Keith admits quietly.  He looks to the ground then back at Lance.  Trying to think, Keith looks down from the corner of his eyes before scrunching his face up.   _ Why  _ **_had_ ** _ he come here? _

“Well, obviously you're not sleeping well either, so sit down.”  Lance plops back down on his bed and puts his arms under his head.  He looks up to the ceiling and waits until he feels Keith carefully take a seat beside him.  The two sit quietly together for a while, Lance pretending he wasn’t trying to work through an anxiety overload ten minutes ago while Keith simply doesn’t really know what to do.  Finally, Lance sighs.  “You’re anxious, aren’t you?”

“What?”  Keith blurts exasperatedly.  “No.”

“You’re not a very good liar either.”  Lance says with a sleepy grin.  He watches as Keith grits his teeth and crosses his arms.  “It’s fine.  You don’t have to tell me anything.”  Lance leans on one arm as he covers his mouth to yawn.  “Remember how I said earlier that abuelita -”

“What does that word even mean?”

“What word?”  Lance looks back at Keith, trying to remember if he had said some word strange.

“Abu...whatever.”

“Oh!”  Lance smacks his forehead.  “That’s what I call my grandma.”

“Oh.”  Keith responds quietly, looking back to the ground a bit.  He takes a deep breath then just focuses on the ground.  Watching this, Lance isn’t sure what to say exactly.  Instead, he nervously puts a hand on Keith’s knee.

_ His knee?!  Really Lance?!  What  _ **_are_ ** _ you doing?! _

And despite Lance thinking it would be awkward, Keith just turns back to him with a look of question.

“You realize you have family now...right?”  Lance smiles, hoping it doesn’t look as forced as it feels.  At least if anyone wouldn’t catch that it’s off, it would be Keith.

“Oh yeah, sure.”  Keith sinks a little further in his spot.  “I have Allura who hates me.  Hunk who is freaked out by me.  Pidge who - well, Pidge is pidge.  And Shiro-”

“Do you think family gets along all the time?”  Lance interrupts him, not paying attention to the fact that his hand is still on Keith’s knee.

“I mean...I don’t know?”  Keith answers honestly.

“I assure you, they don’t.”  Lance actually laughs a little.  “I’m fairly certain at least three fights would break out at our house every day.”  He smiles as he remembers this.  “Allita would fight with Fernán over who got to pick the mango that day.  Mom would argue with Auntie over meals.  Retha and Yoselin would regularly fight over who stole whose clothes that day.  Me and Teb were always fighting.  Sometimes just with words, but a lot of the time we would rough house and mom would kick us into the yard.”

Beside him, Keith can’t help but be a little confused.  Why does Lance look so happy about fighting?  Isn’t fighting what they all do tirelessly almost every day?  Why is this other fighting worthy of smiling?  He listens to Lance recollect his story and when Lance opens his eyes, Keith is kind of taken aback.  Is this what his real smile looks like?    


“But, isn’t that bad?”  Keith asks finally.

“No!  It’s normal!”  Lance admits with a laugh.  “The closer a family is, the more they will bicker.  And, do you honestly think my mom didn’t tell me a few times growing up that she hated me?”  He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, I can believe it.”  Keith shrugs, not sure if he was suppose to have argued it or not.  But the smile Lance responds with, tells him agreeing was the right thing to say.    


“Exactly.”  Lance can tell Keith isn’t keeping up so he laughs a bit.  “Allura might seem mad right now, but she’ll come around.  And Hunk...well, he is probably just poking fun.  That’s what he does. And… Pidge is likely more curious than anything.”  Tilting his head to the side, Lance smiles.  “They’re family.  Give them a couple of days and you’ll be back to just grumpy ol’ Keith.”  Lance assures.

“What about you?”  Keith asks innocently.

“What about me?”  Lance doesn’t realize that he hadn’t included himself in the list so he just looks to Keith with eyebrows furrowed.

“Are you family?”  Keith questions.

Lance doesn’t respond right away.  He bites his lip and looks to the ground.  Why does it feel strange to say yes to this?  Obviously he just said the rest were.  So of course he would be too...right?  Right?!

“Y-yeah I guess.”  Lance blushes a little when he responds and rubs his hand on the back of his neck.  When he looks to Keith, it’s obvious he doesn’t understand the reason behind Lance’s response. 

“Thanks for this.”  Keith responds with his small grin again as he stands to leave.  He looks back and swears he sees Lance reach out to stop him but then Lance is sitting in the same position again.

“Of course.”  Lance smiles.  “I told you, I’m here for you when you need me.”  He adds with a nod before laying back down.  “Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to try to get some sleep again.”

“Yeah.  Sorry about that.”  Keith apologizes as he reaches the door.

“Eh, don’t be sorry.  I wasn’t sleeping well anyay.  It’s too quiet here.”  Lance admits before he grabs his headphones and puts them on as he watches Keith leave the room.

  
  


**Journal**

**Date: Late**

Reason #5 - Family


	6. #6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter : Wicked Game by Ursine Vupine

6

 

_ I hope I don't need to remind you that the only reason you're here is that the best pilot in your class had a discipline issue and flunked out. _

  
“What was  _ that _ Lance?!”  Shiro shouts as the simulation ends.  Allura stands to the side, arms crossed over her chest.

“I thought I was in the right-”

“No, Lance.”  Allura cuts him off.  “If you spent half as much time practicing as you do mindlessly flirting with every creature you see, you would be far more in sync with the rest of the team.”

“But the whole point of this-”  Lance starts again.  He knows he followed protocol.  He did  _ exactly _ what he was suppose to!  Why is he the one getting yelled at?

“It was a team exercise, Lance.”  Shiro tries to explain coolly.  “If it hadn’t been for Keith keeping his eyes open, Hunk would have bit it because of you.  You’re only lucky this was training.”

“Uh, guys, I don’t think-”  Hunk starts but is cut off by a ticked off Lance.

“Well, what?  Are you expecting me to be psychic or something now too?!”  He looks back and forth between Allura and Shiro with his arms held wide.  Lance knew the others usually worked a bit better together, but this was ridiculous.  It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know Hunk had gone off track.

“No, we expect you to pay attention to your partner in battle!”  Allura starts with one hand pointed toward him.  “Pidge was hidden and doing her job perfectly.  Hunk was your partner, you needed to defend him.  It should not be Keith’s responsibility to keep an eye open for you as well.  You need to carry your own weight.”  She doesn’t give Lance the opportunity to backlash before saying.  “Well, with that, training is complete for the day.”  Then storms off, obviously upset the paladins still weren’t working well enough together.

Lance bites his tongue and turns to head back to his room.  He wouldn’t show how angry he was.  It wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his own.  If Keith could do it, he should be able to as well, right?  Swallowing hard, Lance feels himself welling with tears.  The emotion was something between rage and disappointment and Lance wasn’t really sure how to deal with it.

Back in the training room, Hunk clears his throat.  “Uh, you guys know that was totally my fault, right?”  He laughs nervously.  “Like, I totally tripped and was trying to get back on track.”

“Shouldn’t Lance have been keeping his eyes open for you?”

“Well, that’s the thing, he had been.  I just messed up, you know, I was nervous and I think I was a bit hungry.”  Hunk admits bashfully.

Keith had remained quiet through most of this.  He is reminded, rather distinctly, of he and Lance’s earlier conversation.  Family always fights.  But, he remembered also the strangeness that followed after making statements about family.  Lance had hardly included himself in that.  Why?

Deciding it best to not get involved in the “who was right and who was wrong” debate, Keith walks down the hall to Lance’s room.  He knocks twice and waits for a while.  Lance doesn’t respond.  Keith knocks again before realizing the door wasn’t quite shut all the way.  It looked like Lance’s jacket had been plopped on the ground and managed to get trapped, leaving just enough space for the door to stay open.

Still a bit leery to enter Lance’s room without saying something, Keith clears his throat.  “Hey, uh, Lance?”

Lance is laying on the bed.  Headphones over his ears as he stares up at the ceiling. He isn’t crying, but he might as well be.  Both blue eyes are contrasted with swollen red veins and water dances at the edge of his eyelids.  At first, he doesn’t noticing Keith, but the instant he does, Lance jumps up and blinks hard before removing his headphones.

“What’s up, buddy?”  Lance says chipperly.  “Here to tell me how awesome you were today?”  He laughs a little.

“No.  I’m here because we’re family.”  Keith says awkwardly before taking a seat.  “Like you said, we all fight, right?”

“Yeah, I guess.”  Lance nods and tries to smile.  Keith had paid attention that night?  Heck, Lance hadn’t even convinced himself if it had been real.  “I just need to get better.”

“You’re fine, Lance.  Everyone is just stressed.”  He looks over to Lance and is suprised the typically boisterous teen is so quiet.

“Yeah.”  Lance agrees before sighing and looking over to Keith.  “I guess you’re right.”  He perks up again, replacing the tired look on his face with a brilliant smile.  Playfully smacking Keith’s shoulder, Lance laughs.  “Thanks, buddy.  I guess I really needed that.”

“Yeah.  Sure thing.”  Keith looks Lance over, trying to judge if his words had really made that much of an impact.  As far as he knew, this is how Lance always looked though.  Eyes big, toothy smile, confident.  So it must be right.  “Want me to hang out so you can vent?”

“Nah.  I was just gonna listen to some jams and take a nap.”  Lance shakes his head then pulls his headphones back up.  “I’ll see you at dinner.”

  
  


**Journal**

**Date: June 10th probably.  If Earth months can apply out here.**

 

Reason #6 - Music   
  



	7. #7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song for this Chapter: I Really Want You to Hate Me by Meg Meyers

7

 

_ Smiling has always been easier than explaining why you are sad. _

 

I was late for dinner again.    


How am I supposed to keep track of the time when it’s always the same outside? It’s always a black starry sky out there.  Everyone else doesn’t seem to struggle with it as much as I do, but back home I always woke up with the sun.  I didn’t use an alarm clock.  It was simpler that way.  How the heck does everyone else keep track of the time so easy this way.  I always just watched the sun and knew what time it was.

Now there is no sun.

So it shouldn’t be a punishable offense for being late.  It’s not like its all that exciting to have the same meal for the fifteenth time this week.  So why exactly do we need to hurry and stick to schedule anyway?  But, I should be thankful?  I guess?  Because at least when they yell it means they notice I’m gone.    


I sometimes wonder if they would miss me if I left.  Like, really just disappeared.  It’s not like I really do that much anyway.  I mean, I can fire a gun.  Nothing the rest of them couldn’t learn how to do if they needed to.  They might miss having a scapegoat for things, but other than that...I’m not really convinced they would even realize I was gone.  Or care.

But, I can’t let them see that side of me.    


I’m silly Lance!  I’m laughing, lovable Lance!  I’m idiot Lance who can easily be blamed for whatever happens.  I’m carefree, flirtatious Lance.

I’m not a homesick Lance who just wants to see his mom again or tuck in his little sister or wrestle with his cousin.  I’m not Lance who wonders what my family thinks happened to me.  I’m not Lance that worries about my family already having a grave for me, certain I’m lost forever.  And who knows, maybe I am. And I’m certainly not the Lance who spends half of his nights listening to music while trying to make sure I remember everything about Earth.    


That Lance is secret.

I don’t want to forget anyone back home.  Sometimes I list them all off in my head.  Name them one by one.  Mama, papa,  Allita, Fernán, Teb, Retha, and Yoselin.  Noodle, Whiskers, and whatever Fernán ended up naming his duckling.  I already forgot and we haven’t even been gone that long.

I can’t forget any more of them.  I won’t.  If I forget them, then home seems that much further away.

Happy Lance likes aliens.  Happy Lance thinks all of this is super cool.  Happy Lance likes to flirt.  The team needs happy Lance.  The team doesn’t need someone else with problems.  We have enough of those already.

 

Reason #7 - Fernán’s duckling.


	8. #8

8

 

He’s gone.

Shiro is gone.

What do we do now?

 

Reason # 8 - Finding Shiro


	9. #9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: I Don't Wanna Be In Love : by Dark Waves

9

 

_ Know your place and stay there. _

 

**Journal**

**Date: July 3rd  Why am I even keeping track of the dates?  Does it matter...really?**

 

Of course I accepted Keith as the leader.  What else was I supposed to do?  Everyone keeps saying how proud they were of me for stepping back and allowing Keith to be the leader.  But if I can’t pilot the black lion then there really isn’t an argument.  I wasn’t meant to be the leader and we all know why.  

So, despite me knowing that training is totally Keith’s thing, I decided it’s my turn.  I waited until everyone was asleep and I trained…  _ hard _ .  Sure, I’m not Keith or Shiro yet but if I keep it up I  _ might _ get there.

And I’m not really wanting to be as good as either of them.  I just want to be good enough.  Realistic expectations and all that, right?

Mama always said to hope big, dream high and pass the sky.  My hopes were to get into the garrison.  I did that.  My dream was to be a pilot.  Bingo, got that too.  And, well, I’m pass the sky now.  

But now I don’t  _ want _ to be pass the sky.  I want to be on the ground.  On  _ my _ ground.   
  


_ Knock knock _   
  


Lance stops writing and gets up to answer the door.  It has almost become ritual now.  He opens the door and meets Keith’s gaze.  Keith looks tired too.  And, obviously with good reason.  Today has been trying, to say the least.

He enters Lance’s room and says nothing.  Lance knows better than to ask him anything nowadays.  Instead, he just sits down beside him and starts to tell stories.  Somehow, they have started to help both of them.

“There was this one time,”  Lance starts as he leans back on his arms, looking toward the ceiling.  “When I was...probably seven or eight, that I thought I would be a show off and try swimming all the way out to Miami beach.”  He looks over to see Keith give him an ‘are you serious’ expression.  “No, really.  I thought I was gonna be the coolest kid ever.  It wasn’t that far right?”

“You weren’t the brightest kid were you?”

“I’m not the brightest now, what do you expect?”  Lance laughs again then waves his hand.  “Anyway, after a few miles, I realized this was a horrible idea.  So I turned back around, already tired, and figured I could make it back.”  He scratches his shoulder.  “And I did.  I made it back to the beach, believe it or not.  But I was so tired, I actually fell asleep in the sand.”

“That’s still pretty impressive for a kid you know.”  Keith has relaxed back against the wall.  He was curious where this story was going but didn’t show it.  

Lance decided he would sit back the same way.  “Well, my house was always so loud that they didn’t even realize I had been gone that long.”  He stops and waves his hands.  “I mean, I was gone for hours pretty regularly just playing outside, but this was like...half a day.”  Lance smiles when Keith seems to have an epiphany.

“That’s why you’re so obnoxious.”  He teases.

“No, that’s absolutely it.”  Lance responds seriously.  “You try growing up in a houseful of ten to twelve people at any given time and be quiet.  I guarantee it won’t end well.  We all got used to it.  Multiple conversations going on at once, talking over another conversation so you can input on another.  You have to be loud.”

“Oh.”  Keith looks surprised.  “I guess that makes sense.”

“Aaaanyway,”  Lance starts again, “one of the neighbors found me covered in sand, still sleeping on the beach and wrapped me in a towel to bring me home.  Mama was so worried until I told her what I tried to do.  Then she just yelled at me saying,”  Lance does his best to impersonate his mother, speaking in a thick, Spanish accent.  “What were you thinking?  If you want a vacation, you have to earn it!  And at least take a rowboat!”  Then he laughs again before sighing.  

“So what was the point of that story exactly?”  Keith looks over to Lance, watching him smile one of those  _ different _ smiles and finds his heart skip a beat.  At the start of this journey, Lance had been the most aggravating, self-centered jerk he’d met.  But, over time, Keith has come to realize that wasn’t the case.  He always goes out of his way to check on the others, help give a smile when he can or listen when someone needs an ear.  Even if it’s just as small as helping Hunk try to cook some weird new meal or getting Pidge the tool she needs. Keith had to admit, it hadn’t taken all that long to question whether Lance really was as self centered as he pretended to be.  Saving Corran had shown it couldn’t that black and white.

“The point is,”  Lance yawns then stretches.  “Sometimes we know what we want, but have to have others there to lead us to do it the right way.”

“But I don’t  _ want _ to be the leader.”

“But you do want to help people.  And you want to keep the team together, right?”

“Yeah?” 

“Well, you might not want to lead, but obviously, out of all of us, you are best suited.”  Lance looks over at Keith and smiles.  “You might not want to hear it, but I think you’ll do great.”  He watches as Keith rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah, did great.  Sure.”  Keith’s voice is dripping with sarcasm.

“Hey, I’m fairly sure we can all say today was not our best day.  It wasn’t just you.”

Keith nods but doesn’t say much else.  The sign that he’s getting tired, the typically quiet man grows even more quiet.  Knowing this, Lance decides he won’t talk anymore, rather, he will grab his headphones and just...sit.  After an hour goes by, Lance looks over to see that Keith has fallen asleep, sitting up against the wall.  Worried about Keith falling over and hitting his head, Lance is careful to lay him down before grabbing a spare pillow and blanket.

 

Reason #9 - Late night talks with Keith


	10. #10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter: Can't help falling in Love : Perfume Genius

10

 

_ Red and blue makes purple. _

 

**Journal**

**Date: Nope.  This is weird.**

 

I didn’t even realize it was happening at first.  Just...suddenly, holy crap, he’s not my freaking rival anymore.  Heck, he probably never was to begin with except for in my mind.  And instead of just being the annoying red paladin with that stupid mullet, he became Keith.  

Ok that sounded dumb, even to me.

But like, he started to be more than just some jerk.  I saw him for who he was instead of what he’d done in a way and it made me realize that maybe I should start to cut him some slack.  Sure, he isn’t the best at talking...like...at all, but he tries.  And he really is a good guy.  Hell of a lot better than I pretend to be.

~~ Uh, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I like how often he comes and just...chills with me? ~~

No, that’s not it either.

~~ It’s something about his eyes. ~~

Yuck.  No that was stupid.  Strike that.  Omg, what am I?  Some cheesy Bollywood film?  Nope.  Keith is just Keith and I think I like that.  

Wow.  I’m really bad at this, even just writing.  Meanwhile I’m pretending to think I could actually  _ say _ this to him?  Not likely.  Not gonna happen.

 

_ Knock knock _

 

Shit.  Do I answer that?  I should probably answer that.  But if I answer that, there’s no way I look at him without getting flustered.  Does he just  _ know  _ I was writing about him?   
  


_ Knock knock _

 

Finally, Lance closes the journal and stands up to open the door.  Of course, it’s Keith.  He takes a deep breath and smiles just like every other night.  Once the door is closed, the two of them sit down and say nothing.

_ Shit. _ Lance thinks.   _ I’m usually the one that starts this off, but I don’t know what to say. Think, man, think. _

“So,”  Lance starts before he looks over to see Keith twirling the dagger around, looking lost in thought and stops.  He clears his throat.  “Did you want to talk?”

“Shiro is still out there.”  Keith says seriously.  “He’s going to come back.”  

“Of course, buddy.”  Lance isn’t sure if its the truth, but Keith had lost enough in one lifetime.  Keeping up hope wouldn’t be a bad thing until proven otherwise.  “And we will do everything we can to find him.  You know that.”

Silence falls again as Lance tries to decide what to say.  When it fails, he takes a deep breath and scoots next to Keith before putting an arm over his shoulder.  He looks over to a baffled Keith and just smiles.

“What  _ are _ you doing?”  Keith says calmly.

“Giving...you...support?”  Lance scratches the side of his face and laughs nervously.  “At least it’s what I’m  _ trying  _ to do anyway.”  He can feel Keith shrug and gets a laugh out of it.  Keith is so oblivious, Lance is fairly certain he could hit on the guy and he wouldn’t even realize it.  Wait, why had he thought that?   _That was weird._  

Nope.  Weird is what happened next.  

Keith sighs then rests his head on Lance’s shoulder, not saying a word as he relaxes into him.  Lance feels his face burning hot but doesn’t move to shove Keith away.  Instead, he tries to calm himself by taking a few clearing breaths  while staring up at the ceiling.  

“You know,”  Keith starts in his typical bland tone.  Lance turns to look back down at him.  “Spending time with you like this, it’s...nice.”

“Yeah.  Makes me a little less homesick.”  Lance admits before finally relaxing enough to uncurl himself.  After bouncing the idea back and forth, Lance decides to put his hand where Keith could reach for it.  If Keith managed to realize what Lance was doing anyway.

Silence engulfs the two of them again for a minute then Lance feels fingers daring to dance over his and realizes Keith’s face is as red as his feels.  His breath catches in his chest, trying to focus on anything else as Keith hasn’t grabbed his hand but rather runs his calloused fingers up and down Lance’s as if unaware the effect it's having on Lance.

“How do your hands stay so soft?”  Keith asks finally, not looking up to meet Lance’s gaze.

“I, uh, take good care of my skin, I guess.”  Lance admits nervously.  “A habit I picked up from being in a house full of women for the most part I guess.”  

“Just seems strange for a paladin who fights as often as we do to have such smooth skin.”  Keith says as he finally looks up at Lance then can’t help but let out a small laugh.  “For someone who flirts as much as you do, I’m surprised to see you this red.”

“It’s just…”  Lance stops speak and swallows the lump forming in his throat.  “I…”  He sighs and hangs his head.  “I was literally just trying to figure out how I would tell you that I think I feel...something more than familial attachment to you.”  

“Funny how that happens then, hm?”  Keith finally takes Lance’s hand in his.  “Before Shiro...was gone, I told him I thought I might have feelings for you.”

“Wait?!  What?!”  Lance immediately covers his mouth, realizing it must be really late for the others.  “Y-you, talked to Shiro about it?"

“Who else would I tell that wouldn’t have told you...or blackmailed me?”  Keith laughs a little. 

“Ok, I guess that’s fair.”

“And, Shiro is like my brother.  So it just feels more natural to talk to him.”  Whether he realizes it or not, Keith still makes circles on Lance’s hand, amazed at the softness there.

“So, uh, what did he say?”  Lance can only imagine what Shiro would have said about him.  

_ But he’s no good.  Why Lance?  He’s the worst there is!  Anyone is better than- _

“He made fun of me at first.”  Keith laughs a bit then shakes his head.  “But, he supported it.  Said he knows you’re a good guy and will likely treat me better than you let on.”

“Shiro really said that?”  Lance is honestly surprised.  Even if he’d really tried, he couldn’t have hidden the shock in his voice.

“Yeah.”  Keith relaxes into Lance’s side more.  “He said he has always been so hard on you because he wants you to see how good you can be.”

Lance isn’t sure what to say after that.  So he simply sits beside Keith and nods before resting his head atop the fluffy head of hair on his shoulder.  They sit like that for a while, neither ready to move but also being unsure what else to say with such a distance closed between them.  Keith is hardly awake when Lance finally sighs.  His tired eyes look up to meet the gaze of the still blushing Lance and almost wants to laugh.  With the hand not interlocked with Keith’s, Lance carefully pushes a few strands of the black hair away from his face before begrudgingly admitting;   
  


“Ok, so, I don’t actually hate your hair.”

 

Reason #10 - Keith’s hair


	11. #11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #11 & 11.5
> 
> Song for this Chapter : Light in the Darkness by Amarante

11

 

_ 4 am knows all my secrets _

 

**Journal**

**Date: Almost my birthday**

Reaons #11 - laughter

 

Things continue in quite the same way between Keith and Lance.  Their days are spent bickering and attempting to one up each other but the nights become something of a quiet ritual.  Even as Keith finds it odd for the usually boisterous man to be so calm when the castle is dark, he cannot help but love the time they spend together.

The two of them don’t make it further than sitting together, sometimes holding hands as they talk about the day or memories from their time on Earth.  Several nights, Lance has held his head high, promising they will never give up on looking for Shiro.  He listens to Keith’s worries and longs for a way to make things better.

Other nights, they sit together, playing silly childhood games - many of which Lance had to teach his fellow paladin - to help pass the time until they can sleep.  Some nights, they even decide to train together, watching as the other betters them self little by little each night.  Together, they find a strange sense of balance.  Where one is knowledgeable, the other can learn.  Where one is confident, the other can grow.

Somehow, the rest of the team either hasn’t noticed - or simply has decided not to mention  - the space between Keith and Lance slowly shrinking.  The space mice have noticed, so Allura  _ must _ know something but seems to be keeping quiet.  Keith found it funny that Lance treated the mice much like the rest of them.  He laughed when Lance had greeted them in names of his own - as he never really knew their real names - then let them crawl all over him as they chirped in their little mouse language.  Lance responding to them as if he knew what they were saying actually caused Keith to laugh a couple of times.

But on this night, Keith is exceptionally quiet as they sit together.  Lance feels the silence is fragile so he simply sits beside Keith and listens to the steady breathing.  He waits, not really knowing what to expect once the dam holding Keith’s thoughts back breaks.  At last, Keith takes a deep breath.

“Do you get scared?”  Keith asks at last.

“Are you kidding?”  Lance sits up at such a question but doesn’t let go of Keith’s hand.  When he meets Keith’s gaze, the only response is a half shrug and a shake of his head.  “All the time, dude!”

“Why?”  Keith asks quietly.

“Why do I get scared?”  Lance laughs then scratches the back of his head.  “Where do I even start?  I mean...Every day we don’t know whether we will be attacked.  Every day we could find out that Earth has been destroyed. Ever-”

“But what scares  _ you. _  Not all of us.  Those are all of our fears.”  Keith looks up at Lance and waits to hear the response.  

“I - I guess if I had to say what scared me?”  Lance looks down and sighs.  “Well, there’s really only two things.  But,”  He bites his lower lip and smiles lopsidedly.  “I’m not sure I’m ready to tell you.”

“I’ll tell you mine.”  Keith looks away from Lance.  “I’m afraid of being abandoned again.”  He says before Lance has time to prepare himself for the weight of such a statement.  Lance watches as Keith turns back to him and gives him a weak smile.  “Its happened so many times I should be used to it but I-”

Lance interrupts Keith’s thoughts with a fierce hug.  He holds him tight, eyes shut and face red.  He can feel Keith’s hands hovering over his back, as if afraid to return such a gesture.  Finally, Keith returns the hug, but its gentle, Before this moment, Lance had never realized how little contact Keith made with the others.  His hugs were often uncertain and usually awkward.   _ From a life of loneliness. _  Shaking his head to rid the thoughts away, Lance swallows hard.

“You’ve got us all, buddy.  I promise we won’t abandon you.”  He doesn’t pull away as he speaks. “My fear is failing at this.”  Lance’s voice is uneven when he speaks.  “Failing as a paladin, failing to protect my family, failing you guys.  I’m  _ so _ afraid of that.”

The two stay in a hug for a while before Keith pulls away and smiles.  “Just keep being you, Lance, and you won’t fail.”  He says positively.  Lance nods in response then sits back on his bed and sighs.

“So…”  Lance starts after his heart has calmed down.  He watches as Keith leans back against the wall beside him.  Keith tilts his head, waiting to hear whatever question Lance was going to ask.  “What...are we?”

“Paladins?”  Keith responds with a look of confusion to which Lance groans. 

“No.  I mean.”  Lance turns and faces Keith.  “What are  _ we. _  Me and you.  Like this.  What is this?”

“Oh.”  Keith looks up to the ceiling.  “I mean.  I don’t know?”  He responds honestly.  “I’ve just been doing what feels right.  It’s not like I have a ton of experience with any of this.”

Lance fidgets nervously then just nods.  “Then, maybe we just keep doing this.”  He isn’t sure the best way to ask Keith if he wants to be official with him.  Heck, he’s not even sure Keith realizes how much they are acting like a couple nowadays.  But, this feels nice and if this can continue, Lance won’t complain.

“Were you planning on stopping for some reason?”

“No.  Just…”  Lance trails off and just shakes his head.  “No.”

The night grows older, even though the stars outside look the same.  As it does, Keith falls asleep with his arms across his chest, sitting against the wall.  Lance has grown accustomed to Keith’s unusual sleeping positions so he carefully scoots into bed and covers up.  At least he wasn’t sleeping alone anymore.

  
  


Reason #11 1/2 - Honesty   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I make a spotify or youtube playlist for you all with these songs?


	12. #12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://open.spotify.com/user/227kb4rfr274fcfcyopx3lgai/playlist/7EwZt4FASPSQYcvfye6Ssh
> 
> For those interested. I will put together a youtube list soon if I'm able!

This chapter's song :  Your Song : Ellie Goulding  
  
13  
  
 **Date: First birthday in space.**  
  
 _Sometimes memories sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks._  
  
First...birthday in space.  I’m sure it was quiet because I don’t think the others really keep track of the days in “Earth time” anymore.  Of course, I tried to drop hints.  I wandered the castle, talking about what an awesome day it was.  Mentioned cake a few times.  Asked Pidge if she had a calendar.  
  
It shouldn’t be that big of a surprise.  But...I was hoping something like that could be a reason for us all to pretend to be normal for a day.  Sure we’d have some weird space goo cake that Hunk managed to make.  And we’d probably have to spend an hour explaining how we celebrate to Corran and Allura, but it would have been fun for a bit.  
  
I didn’t want presents.  I honestly have never been very big on the present part of birthdays.  It’s the celebrating I really like.  Everyone getting together, putting aside their worries and just living life.  That is what makes for a good birthday.  
  
At home, no one’s birthday went by without a huge celebration.  Morning was their favorite breakfast with the family singing to them as they sit down.  Loud music would blast from the radio.  We all danced and sang.  Some of us better than others.  By lunchtime, we were all laughing so much, we barely stopped to eat.  Typically we’d have snacks that Mama cut up and stored in the fridge.    
  
Birthday dinner at the McClain house was always a riot.  A couple people would always slip away to cook and decorate while the others kept the birthday person occupied.  There would be a huge dinner with all the best food.  Homemade cake then, after dinner, we would go outside and continue the party.  
  
But this year it was tense.  There were no fancy meals.  No laughter throughout the halls.  No sporadic confetti poppers going off as you rounded the corner.  In this castle, a birthday is just another day to be thankful for.  
  
Why is remembering things so painful?  Shouldn’t remembering smiles be easy?  Shouldn’t reminiscing about times of joy make you happy?    
  
Maybe it’s only hard because I don’t know if I will ever get to go back to that.  
  
I’m tired of only being thankful for another day.  I want to be happy again.  
  
Reason #12 - birthday cake


	13. 13

13

 

**Date: What’s it matter? We found Shiro.**

 

_ A hero does good for good.  Not Glory. _

  
  


Yup.  We found him.  And I’m pretty sure I’m excited.

Probably.

I think.

  
  
#13 - Allura’s happiness   



	14. #14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is Gonna Be Better : Joshua Radin

#14

 

_ Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt. _

 

**Date: I don’t know**

  
  


Everyone else is celebrating.  They are all so relieved to have Shiro back and safe (?)

I...should be happy about this right?  So, why do I feel so anxious?  We have our leader back.  He’s with us again.  Now we can get back on course and make our way back home faster...right?

But, since he came back…

Well, since he came back all I can think about is...what now?

There’s too many of us to pilot the lions.  Blue won’t accept me anymore and Red is harder to control.  Keith was better with Red than I was… am...whatever.  So, what happens when we all need to go out again?  Who gets left behind

As if I have to think about that.  I know who it is.

And, sure, that’s been a big part of the issue.  I want to be part of the team.  I want to help. And it really is bothering me what will happen but since Shiro came back…

Nights have gotten lonely again.

I had a feeling it would happen if Shiro came back.  I was just a replacement.  Of course, I was.  I mean… Shiro is like a brother to him.  Keith just wanted someone to help keep him distracted while he was gone.    


Gosh this is stupid.  I shouldn’t be this upset over something that never happened anyway.  But...here I am.  I miss that stupid idiot’s awkward conversation and blank stare when I make a pun he just doesn’t get.  His hands were always warmer than mine, which was cool since I get cold more than I’d like to admit.  Him sleeping at the side of the bed reminded me more of home.  Sure, it was weird at first, but eventually it just kinda became normal.

Now it’s just quiet again.  And I hate it.  I hate how quiet it is out here.  I never realized how much I relied on sound when I was home.  But now my ears ring all the time.  I can hear my heartbeat against the pillow and instead of reminding me I’m alive, it makes me wonder for how long.

How long will we be out here? How long will we manage to survive?  When will we get into a fight we can’t escape?

…

…

At least if I’m not able to help anymore, I might make it back to earth?

If any of us make it back that is.

  
  


#14 - Hope


	15. #15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hurts like Hell - Fleurie

#15

 

_ Stars can’t shine without darkness. _

 

A few more quiet days.

 

Quiet.

 

#15 - the sound of waves

#16 - the sound of the wind pushing past trees

#17 - the sound of  Allita and Fernán laughing at my silly jokes

#18 - the sound of happiness

 

Have I listed happiness before?

It’s hard to remember why sometimes.  Maybe I should list a bit more.

 

#19 - Rainbows forming in the mist

#20 - The rain

#21 - The smell of rain at night

 

Sometimes I pretend that I’m fine.  I lie.  I put on this mask for everyone.     
Lance the brave!  Lance the flirt!  Lance who is full of laughter! 

But if I’m really honest with myself, sometimes I do that just to forget that all I want to do is hide in my room. I want to ignore the universe and pretend things aren’t as bad as they are.  Most people think being depressed is a mood or a style of dress.  But those people are wrong.  Depression is waking up and forcing yourself to remember “those around me do not know me and they never will.”  Depression is being numb instead of brave.  Depression is waking up and looking at your face in the morning, wondering why it’s looking back at you.    


I thought I was getting better.  I hoped a new world with boundless possibilities would bring out parts of me I never imagined.  But, it only made me realize what I didn’t like.  I don’t like being lonely.  I don’t like not knowing what will happen tomorrow.  I hate pretending that everything is ok.    


I hate happy Lance.  I wish he would disappear.


	16. #22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Found : Amber Run

#22

 

_ I've been doing some math. _

 

That’s what I said.  That’s the easiest way to put it, right?  

What I wanted to say was, I’m the easiest to forget.  The most useless.  How about you guys go out and save the universe while I hide in my room like the child I am?

But you can’t just  _ say _ that to Keith.

Especially not when he was looking so happy.  Of course he looked happy.  Shiro is back.    


Man, but math?  Did I really have to word it like that?!

I guess it’s hard to be all that logical when there’s so much more on your mind that you want to say.  I thought it was going to be easy to talk to him.  I’d played it over in my head  _ so many times. _     


I’d knock, just like he had for all those nights.  Then I’d just walk in and be casual, just like he had been...again.  And  _ then _ I’d tell him that I was worried.  That I didn’t think I was worthy to be one of the paladins.  That I only ended up here because I’d been trying to outdo him.  I’d whine and tell him I miss the times we’d been spending together at night.  I would be honest with him and tell him I have barely slept since he stopped coming by.

But, just like everything else, I screwed up.

And instead I talked about math.

Man, Lance, could you have made a bigger fool of yourself?    


Why does  _ literally _ everything make me think of how much I miss being home?  Like, math.  No one misses math, right?  But, helping Allita or Fernán do their homework was fun.  Not necessarily because I  _ enjoyed  _ doing the homework but because of how amazed they would be that I knew how easily to solve “such a hard problem.”  Or getting to watch their faces as they proudly explained how they solved the problem  **all by themselves** .    


Crying is stupid.  No math needed for that.  What’s the point of it?  Just messes up your face, makes your eyes hurt and makes it hard to breathe.  Stupid.  

 

#22 - Math


	17. #23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Could hear the water at the edge of All Things : Hammock

#23

 

_ Solid math. _

 

_ Knock knock _

 

Lance had his headphones on and was listening to the same bit of music over and over again.  He is staring up to the ceiling, completely oblivious to the knock on the door.  His eyes are glistening though the tears aren’t really falling anymore.  Lost in his daydream, Lance doesn’t realize that Keith has opened the door.  Sometime during the second week of their night talks, Lance had told him the password to his room, for occasions like this.

Unaware he is being watched, Lance closes his eyes for a bit and hums along to the song, pretending the world where it came from was not so far away.  It brings a bittersweet smile to his face, mixing strangely with the dried tears.

For a moment, Keith isn’t sure he should stay.  It’s not like Lance to look like this.  Isn’t Lance always happy and ready for the next adventure?  Scratching his face, Keith takes a deep breath and decides to sit down.  When he does, Lance about jumps out of his skin before ripping his headphones off his head.

“Keith?!”  He blurts out before hoping he doesn’t look too miserable.  “What’s up, buddy?”

“I think I should be asking you that.”  Keith responds quickly before relaxing back onto the bed.  He watches with an eyebrow raised as Lance shakes his head and shrugs.

“I’m not really sure what you mean.”  Lance plays it off by smiling quickly and being ‘happy Lance.’  He sits up suddenly then turns off his music.  “How’s Shiro holding up?”

“Surprisingly well.”  Keith puts his hand up to stop Lance as he opens his mouth to say something else.  “Talk to me.”  

“Isn’t that my line?”  Lance says with a lopsided smile.

“Usually.”  

The two of them sit in silence for a bit as Lance decides if he actually wants to tell Keith whats on his mind.  He fidgets a bit, twiddling his thumbs and running his fingers through his hair before finally exhaling and looking up to Keith.  The red paladin sits, patiently waiting to hear what is on Lance’s mind.

“I’m..not really sure where to start, man.”  Lance admits finally.

“Try at the beginning?”  Keith responds simply which draws an exasperated sigh from Lance’s lips.

“The beginning, huh?”  Lance clears his throat and laughs absentmindedly.  “You sure you want to listen to me rambling that long?”

Keith just looks around as if to say,  _ what else am I going to do? _

And with that, Lance slumps over a bit and finally allows himself to speak much of what he’s kept to himself since day one.

“I hate this.”  Lance says plainly.  He watches as Keith’s eyes open a little wider in surprise.  “Like, it was cool for a day or two.  Then the weight of everything hit me.  And it’s so stupid.  I don’t want to complain.  You all have it worse than me!  I mean, you - you -”  He shakes his head and refuses to finish that thought.  “I just keep hoping to wake up and realize this is all some bad dream.  I’m not good enough, I have no goals.  I don’t know how to be a paladin and yet everyone just seems to assume it’s so natural!  Like, what about any of this is natural?!  I just want to go home and be a normal kid again!”  Somewhere between his rambling, Lance had started to cry again and didn’t even realize it.

At the edge of the bed, Keith is frozen.  This is  _ Lance _ , crying in front of him. Keith isn’t really sure how to respond, but, thinking back to how Lance has reacted, Keith swallows hard then leans in and hugs him gently.

“I’m sorry.”  Lance says as he tries to calm himself down.

“Don’t be.”  Keith responds quietly.  “All of us have had our moments.  It’s okay to take some time to grieve.”

Lance shakes his head and tries to seperate from the hug, but either he is weaker than he wanted to admit, or Keith is actually putting a bit of force into the hug.  Either way, it causes Lance to falter.    
“But, you guys all have it worse than me.”  He sniffles.

“So that means you can’t be upset?”  Keith questions.  “It’s ok.  Just...I’m here for you.”  He says quietly.  

And somehow, this quiet reassurance is all Lance needed to finally snap.  His strength finally vanishes and props his forehead on Keith’s shoulder before wrapping his hands around Keith and sobbing.  For the first time since his venture into space, Lance was letting his real feelings show.  It is as if a weight was being lifted from his shoulders.

For just a minute at least… the real Lance is free.

Lance can barely keep himself upright as he cries.  Heart-wrenching, muffled sobs echo through the room as he grips Keith’s jacket tight in his fists.  “I’m sorry.” He says through the tears.  “I’m really sorry.”  The same words repeat as Lance tries to calm his tears.  “This is so stupid.”

Not use to seeing so much emotion - especially from Lance - Keith is shocked.  He starts to rub circles on Lance’s back, hoping it might help to calm the man who has obviously been hiding his emotions for quite some time.  “Stop apologizing.  You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“But this is stupid.”  Lance grumbles.  “I shouldn’t be crying like this.  I’m so childish.”

“It’s not stupid, Lance.  It’s human.”  Keith, while still uncertain of his own actions, pulls Lance away from him for a second then laughs a little at the obvious embarrassment on the blue paladin’s face when they meet eyes.

“Really Keith?  You laugh  _ now? _ ”

“I can’t help it.  You look so pathetic.”  He says with another small laugh. 

In rebuttal, Lance pushes him away and turns away from Keith before curling up in a little ball.  He tries to choke down his tears, fully regretting being so open now.  With his face buried in his knees, Lance sobs a bit, saying; 

“All I am is one big joke.”  

Keith feels his heart drop.  Suddenly realizing his laugh had the opposite effect on Lance as he was hoping.  Isn’t laughter suppose to be contagious or something? He hears what Lance says and crawls over beside him.    
“That’s...not…”  Keith starts then wraps himself around Lance, playing the little spoon for a minute.  “I just don’t know how to react, ok?”  He admits finally.  “I mean, I had no idea you felt like this.  Honestly.”

“That was, you know, sorta the point.”  Lance turns to look at Keith with an eyebrow raised and a look that is almost irritated.  “I didn’t want it to be obvious.  Like I said, this is stupid.  I have no reason -”

“You have  Allita, Fernán, Teb, Retha, Yoselin.  And, and, the dog…”  

“Noodle?”  Lance can’t help but be taken aback.  He had no idea Keith paid that much attention to his stories.

“Yeah.  And you have a mom and dad you miss.  So don’t tell me you have no reasons to be sad.”

“But -”

“There are no buts about this.”  Keith shakes his head.  “Saying you have no reason to be sad is just a lie.  No one thinks that.  We all just assumed you were having too much fun to be sad.”

“I haven’t stopped missing them.”  Lance says quietly, still curled up on himself.  His tears have slowed nearly to a stop.  He cannot help but blame shock as a big contributor to this. The other part is how nice it feels to have someone holding him.  As much as he wants to admit it though, Lance can’t find the heart to admit it right now.  Admitting that would hurt too much when Keith doesn’t feel the same way in return.

“I know.”  Keith says quietly.  At this, Lance turns to him with one eyebrow raised and a very confused expression before wiping his face with a dirty shirt.  “You talked about them almost every night.  You wouldn’t talk about something you don’t miss, right?”

Lance turns to Keith and bows his head.  “I never realized how much you listened to my stupid stories.”  He admits bashfully while spinning his body back around.

“Of course I listened.”  Keith shakes his head.  “What’d you think I came in here just to hear more of your obnoxious voice after hearing it all day for my health?”

“W-was that...a joke?”  Lance grins a bit.

“Might have been.”  Keith finally sits up and runs a hand over Lance’s shoulder. 

“Thank you, Keith.”  

“It’s really nothing.”  He hugs Lance again lightly.  “You could have just  _ said _ something before and not bottled it up like this.”

Lance nods.  “I’ll keep it in mind.”  He yawns then, obviously tired from the roller coaster of emotions today had brought with it. His tired eyes watch as Keith scoots to the end of the bed before motioning for Lance to lay down.

At first, Lance simply freezes in place.  However, he can’t deny that cuddling overnight would be great for his broken spirit.  So, with that, Lance lays down and puts his head in Keith’s lap.  Just about the time Lance gets comfortable, Keith starts to mindlessly stroke Lance’s hair.  

“Your legs are going to go numb.”  Lance says sleepily.

“Worst things have happened.”

And that was the last thing Lance remembered hearing before he fell asleep.

  
#23 - numb legs


	18. #24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where’s my Love (Alternate Version) - SYML

24

 

_ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. _

 

How do you keep from falling in love?  How do you pretend that everything is fine forever?  Waking in the morning to the sleeping face of the man I was sure I hated, sleeping peacefully, having not moved so much as a single muscle all night...How do you ignore wanting that to become a regular thing?

What does it mean when the only things you want seem like impossibilities trapped behind impenetrable walls?  What does it really mean when you keep fighting each day but have no motivation left?  Is it bravery?  Or stupidity?

Who do you turn to when your heart tells you such conflicted things but your head tells you, just ignore it all?  Sweep it all away under the rug.  Lock the door and never look back.  You are lost and being found won’t be so easy.

When do you wave the white flag and give up?  When is it finally alright for you to admit there is nothing more you can do to keep yourself going?  The toy soldier you’ve become has run out of batteries.  The wind up power on his back has snapped.  There’s no way to fix it, so throw it away.

Why should I keep fighting when everything I love is gone or oblivious?  Why is it so hard to watch your hero ignore you?  Why am I here?  Of all the things, that is what I wish to know more than anything.  Why me?

Where will we end up tomorrow?  Where will I see my last sky?  Where will the others leave me behind, tired of watching me fail over and over?

The only way to fix this is to hide away the real Lance.  Pretend he isn’t real.  Take out that spirit and hang it on a hanger in the back of my closet.  Close the doors and grab the mask off the shelf.  Smile again, make a joke, don’t let them see what is really there.  If they did, everyone would find Lance even more annoying, right?  Just a cry baby.  Just a child trapped in space playing with his robot.

The real Lance must disappear for me to make it through this. 

After all, I’ve disappeared to everyone else.

 

#24 - secrets


	19. #25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In My Veins - Andrew Belle

 

25

 

I told Keith there were two things I was afraid of.

Two is pretty much a lie.  But, at the same time, it’s the most true.

I told him I was afraid of failing.  Or of being a failure.  And that is true.  

What if I fail my team?  What if I fail at returning home?  What if I fail to be the better paladin that I believe I can be?  What if I fail to prove myself?  What if I fail to ever again hear the voice of my mama or the rest of the family.  

All of that is basically one big fear.

But the other one was harder to voice.  It’s something I’d only recently started to admit even to myself.  It’s almost like the first one, a fear of failing in a way.  But I don’t think it fits under the same category.

My other biggest fear, and one I’m fairly sure most of the group doesn’t have, is the fear that something will happen to Keith. 

Trust me, I know how stupid it sounds.  I know how stupid it  _ is. _  Especially since I am certain he wouldn’t think the same about me.  But, the more I learn about him, the more I know what a past he’s had, the more I cannot help but long to be the reason he is happy.  Or, maybe I can be the reason he gets to go back to Earth and find a reason to be happy.  I guess it doesn’t matter so long as I’ll get to know that Keith finally has a reason to be happy.

I want to see him smile.  And not one of those embarrassed smiles or those  _  ‘I’m gonna fuck these enemies up’  _ smiles.  More than most things nowadays, I want to see him smile in a way that says, ‘ _ I finally know what it means to be happy.’ _  I can’t say it to his face because he will probably just laugh at me.  But it’s the truth.

While the others probably don’t realize it, I will do anything I can to make that stubborn idiot happy.  I will step back and let him have the glory now.  If he decides something, I might not agree - and I’ll tell them all that - but if it’s what he really wants, I won’t fight it.  He hasn’t told me much about his past over all this time, but he’s said enough with his silence that it’s obvious to me what I have to do.

I have known happiness for most of my life.  I was accepted at home and loved.  Sure, I’ve had my share of failures, but nothing to outweigh the good I had.  And of all the people I never expected to learn that lesson from, it was my enemy.  Or who I once saw as my enemy anyway.

Maybe one day, I will tell him and he will be glad to know that someone is looking out for him.  

 

“Come on Lance, we’ve gotta go!”  Hunk shouts through the door.  

“Coming!  Sorry!”  Lance nods down to the paper and grabs his helmet before taking off out the door.  Another day, another mission.  Another thousand thoughts spinning in his head.  Everyone will say he makes mistakes, but it’s hard to focus when you have so much going on in your head.

  
  


#25 - Fears 

_ _


	20. #26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All I Want - Kodaline

 

#26

_ I miss you. A little too much, a little too often and a little more every day. _

 

I should have known he was going to help the Marmorites.  

We need him. 

_ I _ need him.

But I should have known, regardless.  He wanted to learn more about himself.  He needed to in a way I guess.

But now it is harder.  I have to hide more.  I have to lie more.  No one really seems to notice which is good.  After all, the one that knows the truth is gone.

I keep waiting for him to come back.  But.. I think after the time we all blamed him - emotions are stupid - for what wasn’t really his fault, Keith didn’t want to come back.

God!  I can’t believe I actually said that shit to him!  He needed us to understand.  He was doing everything he could.  Hell, he was doing more than we ever were.  Keith never got a break.  While we were relaxing or going in front of a crowd, no fear of battle, he was fighting for us.  Then he would come and help us with voltron, then he’d be back out again. 

Why hadn’t I stopped him and said something more.  Thanked him at some point for doing so much?!

Night time is even more boring but my heart is so much more nervous.

I worry whether he is safe.  Will they fight for him if he is hurt?  Will they protect him?  Will he get to come back?

...will he even want to?

One day soon, I want to see him and tell him thank you for everything.  I want him to know I appreciate him more than I could show.

 

#26 - Keith’s return


	21. #27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays, have an extra chapter
> 
> Control - Halsey

 

27

 

_ WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?! _

 

This is a trap.  I can feel it.  I have said so numerous times, well, tried to say so numerous times, but no one has listened.  Instead, they want to push forward to see what we should do. 

I think we should do anything but what that asshole wants.  It’s a horrible idea.  All of this is.

 

**#27 - being listened to again**

  
  


“Guys, I really think-”  Lance announces as he steps into the room again, interrupting Shiro, Pidge, and Allura who are planning out the battle.  Hunk is busy trying to make sense of nearby planet’s...soil makeup or something.  He’s on the fence about this all too, Lance knows that much.

“Lance, for the last time, we are doing this.”  Shiro turns to Lance sternly.  “We need all the allies we can get and he’s clearly proven-”

“All he’s done is proven that he’s the bigger asshole and likes toying with people!”  Lance shouts, not letting Shiro finish his thought.

“Typically, I would have to agree with Lance, but I fear without his help in this last battle we may not have won.”  Allura says, trying to keep her cool despite everything going on.

“So because he helped once we just give in?!”  Lance holds his hands out dramatically, looking around for backup.  None of them even give him a second look.

“Lance, I get it.”  Pidge says flatly.

“Thank you-”

“But we have to give this our full attention.  We prepare for the worst and hope for the best.”  Pidge turns back to the computer and suddenly Lance fades into the background again.  He looks around.

“This is a bad idea.”  He says once more, but again, no one listens.

Wandering away, Lance finds Corran cleaning so he joins in.  At first, he can’t say anything.  Everyone thinks he’s a waste of space.  They don’t come out and say it, but it’s pretty obvious.  But maybe Corran will still listen to him at least.

“Hey Corran, I mustache you a question.”  Lance says playfully.  His voice doesn’t quite match the typically boisterous tone it holds, but it’s close.

“What is it my boy?”  Corran responds with a quick smile.

“This whole...Lotor thing...it _ is _ a bad idea right?”  He looks over at Corran and he can tell what Corran is thinking.  The typically happy expression on his face breaks and he sighs.

“Sometimes the things we don’t think will-”

“No, Corran.  I don’t want a rehearsed thought.  I want your opinion.  That’s all.  I’m not going to tell the others.  They wouldn’t listen anyway.”

“I don’t trust him either, lad.”  He admits.  “But sometimes it is better not to fight against your friends.”

Lance grits his teeth and can’t stand to ignore all of this.  It’s stupid.  Trusting Lotor after everything, even a little, is idiocy.

With that in mind, Lance headed back to his room and made his own plan for if things didn’t go as the others saw.  He has to be prepared for everything.  There is no backing out.

While the others can be busy thinking they have everything planned...Lance will be ready for when things go wrong in his own way.

 

#28 - Getting home 


	22. 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t forget about me : CLOVES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I don't trust Lotor with a 10 foot pole. It may be obvious in this next bit. I also apologize.

29

_ Nowhere to hide _

 

“Pidge what’s going on?!”  Lance shouts from a spot in the hall.  The radio breaks up but he can hear her responding to someone.  He isn’t convinced it’s him though.   
“There’s ….  _ Static  _ …. Magnetic …..”  Pidge is trying to explain something but only a few words come over through the static.   
“What? I can’t hear -”

“No. It’s not that … interruption .... the ship.”  Shiro says over the com.

“Guys I can’t hear -”

“Maybe if …. Static … just try…”

With that, Lance shakes his head and grits his teeth.  He was tired of this.  Yes, he likes to make jokes.  Sure, he tries to have fun.  But damnit, not all of his ideas should be ignored!  This was a set up, just as he’d expected.

Another group of soldiers come around the corner.  Lance hides near a wall. He tries one more time to get through to the others, to let him know things weren’t going well on his end.  But, the interference is too strong.  With gritted teeth, Lance does his best to take the resistance down.  Between each shot, he darts back into hiding, looking around for a better vantage point.  

“Guys!  I’m kinda overwhelmed over here!”

“....static…..”

Lance groans then peeks around the corner before firing a few more shots.  He darts down the hall, hoping, if nothing else, that he can just make it back to the others.  Shot after shot, he zig zags down the hall, keeping his eyes open for the others.  

“How many of these guys are there?!”  Lance says exasperatedly. He fires another shot then takes a second to breath.   _ One more try,  _ he thinks as he clears his throat.  “Guys?  Anyone?”

This time, he hears them all talking but they don’t seem to hear him - or respond anyway.  Lance clenches his eyes shut and peeks back around the corner to continue his way back.  

  
  
  


“Glad to see everyone has made it back.” Shiro says once they meet the rendezvous point. 

“Sure are a lot of them out there.”  Hunk says breathlessly.  “I was afraid we wouldn’t get back for a while.”

“We are all thankful you did.”  Allura says with a smile while trying to catch her breath.  She holds one arm, it’s bleeding.

“Uh, guys, we’re missing something.”  Pidge announces while looking around.  When the others look at her confused, Pidge puts a hand to her ear.  “Hear that?”

“No?”  Allura says confused then it hits her.  “Lance isn’t here!”  She looks around then darts toward the doorway, trying to see if he is just outside.

“Lance, where are you?!  We have to get out of here!”  Shiro shouts over the com.  He joins Allura by the doorway.  “See anything?”  He looks at Allura’s arm.  “That looks bad, will you be alright?”

“Not Lance.”  She responds quietly.  “I will be fine.”  Allura responds with a nod.

“....guys….”  Lance’s voice comes over the radio suddenly.  It’s broken and quiet, as if he’s trying not to be noticed.

“Lance!”  Pidge shouts and looks around for him.  “Where are you Lance?  We’re coming for-”

“No.”  He says sternly.  “You guys have to go.”  His voice is hardly a whisper.  “I will follow behind but I’m kinda trapped right now.”

“We aren’t going to leave you behind, buddy.”

“There’s a swarm coming your way.”  Lance says through gritted teeth.  “I’m hidden.  They think I’m with you.”  He holds in a cough.  “If you don’t go, you guys... I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”

“But then you’ll be alone!”  Pidge shouts.

“He’s right.”  Allura says nervously.  “I can see them coming.  We  _ have _ to go.”

“We can’t leave Lance!”  Pidge shakes her head.  “I’m not leaving him behind.”

“Pidge.”  Lance says quietly.  “Trust me.  I’ll be fine.”  He swallows hard enough for all the paladins to hear it.  “But you guys need to go.  I’ll sneak out later.”

“But Lance!”  Pidge starts to argue.  “There’s got to be a way to get him and get out of here.”

“He says he can do this.”  Shiro looks to Pidge.  “Plus we’re already tired.  And Princess Allura has been hurt.  If we stay here, we might take even more damage.”  He makes a fist.  “We have to believe in him.”   



	23. 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saturn : Sleeping at Last

 

30

 

_ Sometimes silence is deafening. _   
  


 

The halls of the castle were quiet when they all returned.  Corran had been thankful to see them all but the worry on his face couldn’t be hidden when he realized Lance was not with them.  He swallowed hard, remembering the conversation he had with him only days before.  However, needing to attend to the princess, he pushed his fear away and took off.

Everyone was quiet, not really sure what to do.  

Hunk had gone to the kitchen, cooking to help calm his nerves.  He had stirred the same bowl of ingredients far longer than he needed to.

Shiro stays planted by the entrance, waiting for Lance’s arrival.  If Lance didn’t return, it would be his fault and he knows this.  So the best he can do right now is hope that Lance was right.

Pidge, however, had taken to the computers.  She had been trying to get different radio waves to be more easily heard.  In doing so, she’d found many different ways to get ahold of the team.  Quickly, she started to send signals to the blades. She needed to get to Keith.  He had to know what was happening.  He needs to come back and help.

 

“Keith.  Come in Keith.  Pidgeon here.”  She says once she’s found the right wavelength.

“Pidge?”  Keith says surprised.  “What’s going on?”

“Lance isn’t here.  I’m worried.”  Her words are short.  “Come back?”

“Wait.  What happened to Lance?”  Keith can’t hide the worry resonating in his voice.

“He might be fine.  He might not.  Our plan fell through.”

“The blades and I tried to tell you to give us-”

“Keith.  I know.  We were wrong.”  Pidge’s voice is fragile.  “We need you.  Just in case?”

“No in case.”  Keith responds harshly.  “Lance will be fine.”

“But-”

“No.”

 

With that, Pidge ended the call and went back to working with radio waves.  She would have to distract herself somehow.

 

Despite his words, Keith does head back to the castle.  It takes him nearly two quintants to arrive.  When he walks in the doors, Keith can tell Lance has not arrived from the quietude that echos the halls.  He storms into the main hall, and is met with a tired looking Shiro.

 

“Keith!”  Shiro says excitedly.

“Where did you leave him?”

“You mean Lance?”

“Who else did you all leave behind?”

“We didn’t have any other -”

“GUYS WE HAVE A PROBLEM!”  Pidge shouts through the intercom.  “Come now!”

Keith and Shiro dart into the main room.  Static sounds through the com.    
“What’s going on Pi-”

Pidge puts her finger up.

\--

_ More static.  Loud, painful static.  Then a breath _ .

 

“Forty five,” The voice on the other end is Lance, they can all tell that.  But his voice is broken and airy.  “Grass between my toes.”

“What is this one even talking about!?”  Says another voice through the com.

“He’s not making any sense.” Replies a second voice.

 

_ Static.  Banging.  A gasp. _

 

“Answer the question!”  Says the first strange voice.

“Forty six,”  Lance’s voice is even more tense this time.  “Swimming in the ocean.”

 

\--

 

“What is happening?!”  Keith can’t hold back his anger.  

“If I had to guess, he’s being tortured for information.”  Pidge responds through gritted teeth.  

“What is he counting?”  Hunk asks.

“That I’m not sure of.”  Pidge nods.  “I’m trying to track the location of the helm now.”

 

\--

 

“All you have to do is tell us where they are.”  Says the original voice.  “It shouldn’t be that hard.”

“Forty seven.”  Lance responds.

“Enough of your counting!”  Shouts the voice through the com.

 

_ Static.  A lot of static.  Coughing. _

 

“The full moon.”  Lance chokes up.


	24. 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I Can't Live Here Anymore - Daughter

31

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.

This grim story played over the radio as Pidge worked her magic, trying to find a way to triangulate it’s location. But the ship was making that difficult. More than once she had to turn it off or walk away. Lance’s voice was too painful. She couldn’t stand listening to it. He’d be asked the same question a million different ways. Some had tried torture; plain and simple. Another had tried provoking it out of him. For a while, Pidge was afraid it would work. Another came in and used mind games to try to get him to say more. But every time,

“Forty nine, eskimo kisses.”  
“Ffity, the sunset.”  
“Fifty one, the sound of crickets.”

Pidge surmised she knew what the list was at this point. Each time Lance was questioned, he would respond with another number and some seemingly unrelated thing. She thinks its a list of reasons to keep fighting. It pains her, listening to the list continue to grow as she’s made no progress on figuring out where he is or how to get there.

Keith had barely left the main room. If anyone watched, he’d hardly moved a muscle. He listens to Lance and the grip on his arms tightens with each number. It’s strange, if this had been under better circumstances, he would have assumed it was just a list of things back home.

“Fifty two, birds singing.”  
“Fifty three, Allita’s drawings.”  
“Fifty four, friends.”

When he says this, one of the captors teases him. “Friends?” Heavy footsteps follow this and a shuffling of items on the other end screech through the radio. “Where are these friends of yours?” More scratching before a breeze of some sort can be heard. “Must be some crappy friends to leave you here alone because I don’t see anyone.” This is followed by a loud slam. “Save yourself, just give up these friends of yours and this all stops.”

“No.” Lance responds bitterly. 

Static. Lance holding back another scream. A loud exhale.

“Fifty...five…” Then, for the first time that day, Lance stops speaking. A silence falls, echoing his uncertainty of what to say next. His unsteady breathing fills the room. All of them listen, waiting for him to think of something. Again, he coughs but says nothing.   
“Fi- fifty five…?” Lance repeats the number, uncertainty dripping from the words. If loss of hope could be heard, everyone was certain this is how it would sound.   
Pidge can’t get her fingers to move as she waits for Lance to say something. She silently begs for another word to exit his surely tired lips. Her hands turn to tight fists and her eyes squeeze closed.   
“Come on Lance, just hold out a bit longer.” She begs quietly.  
Keith’s grip on his dagger become dangerously tight. It was driving him crazy not knowing what to do.  
Even Allura and Corran had been trying everything they could think of to get Lance back and cheer up the group. But at Lance’s uncertainty, both of them pause, waiting for Lance to continue. Hunk has only been in and out of the room, too anxious to continually listen to the radio noise, but what he hears makes him stop.   
“Fifty five...Hunk’s cooking.”  
Everyone listening seems to exhale a little.   
“We’re gonna get you buddy.” Hunk says through a sob before shaking his head and walking away.


	25. 32

The War - SYML

 

32

 

_ Sometimes lost things can be found, but they are never the same. _

 

Lance wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d made the team leave him behind.  He’d done well to stay hidden for a while, but he knew he had no chance to escape when he’d told them to leave.  There were too many here for them to take on as a little group of five.  It had only taken about an hour for him to be captured  and less than that for the questioning to start.

It was easy, at first, to lie.

Questions like, where are they and where is voltron really could be answered simply.  He didn’t know.  Had they taken off?  Were they still nearby?  Lance honestly couldn’t answer.  Where they able to track this ship despite its strange ability to mess with the sensors?

The torture had been easy enough at first too.  Yeah, it sucked, but after a while, the shocks started to just cause more of a jolt than anything.  His body was nearly numb, trapped in the feeling of limbs full of pins and needles.  In his chest, Lance’s lungs burned from the electricity, but somehow, he managed to keep himself strong.

Put up with this and he would keep them safe.  Keep this up and soon the paladins will come to save him.  He just has to wait for them to come up with a plan.  Surely, he can last long enough for them to figure out the best way to get him back.

But they didn’t give him time to sleep.  They hardly give him time to think.  Time becomes a strange swaying thing, caught somewhere between reality and the next swell of pain. Questions become nothing but white noise.  Lance is certain he couldn’t answer any of them even if he’d wanted to.

But when they started to question his friends’ loyalty, Lance had to do something.  He had to give himself a reason to believe in them.  More than that, he had to give himself a reason to stay positive.  He’d been making a list on the ship and while he might not have the notebook anymore, he can keep going.  Lance hadn’t even realized he was counting in response to a question the first time he said something.

“Twenty nine.”  His voice had broken through the angry shouting of two galra soldiers trying to figure out the best way to get Lance to speak.  When they hear him, they look back in surprise.

“Twenty nine what?  Twenty nine paladins?!  No that doesn’t make sense.  Twenty nine...what?”  One of them shouted before slamming his fist into Lance’s stomach, annoyed with his vague choice of words.

“Twenty - nine,”  Lance coughed then had found a second wind.  “Love.”

“He’s messing with us!”  The second soldier says then hits the switch sending a painful shock through Lance’s body.

“Thirty.”  He had almost laughed.  “Thunderstorms.”

 

But now his count had grown high.  He could barely keep track of the numbers.  The third night, he finally got some sleep.  It hadn’t been much and it hadn’t been comfortable, stuck to this strange contraption he was stuck to, but finally he had slept.  In his dreams, Lance was home again.  He could see Allita and sing her another lullabye.  He and Teb could wrestle in the field behind the house again.  Mama would make him his favorite meal and they would all sit together and eat.

 

He had hardly wanted to wake up.  But the painful pull on his brain from the druid had woke him.  They were trying to pull information from him now through different means.  But, Lance really didn’t know much.  He never knew much, right?  They were in space.  Somewhere in the stars.  They were hopefully all safe inside that castle with the goo meals.  Maybe by now, they had come to the conclusion that it was safer to leave him behind.  The lions had their pilots after all.  All he was...all he’d ever been was the seventh wheel anyway.

Frustration seemed to fill the enemy team when the information they pulled from Lance was far from useful.  Rather than the location for Voltron, they seemed to get the most useless of information. 

Most of it was blue.

Blue oceans.  Blue lakes.  Blue skies.  Blue dresses on little cousins.  Blue flowers.  Blue kool aid from a glass pitcher being shared by a laughing family. 

Blue.

Lance wasn’t sure how long he could keep all of this up.  His body is tired, his spirit is broken and his heart is on the floor.  He’d been left behind.  Knowing this hurt, but at least he managed to save them all in his own way.  Sure, he might never see his family again and he’d never get to tell Keith how he really felt, but Lance had done his deed. And now, he needs to keep counting.  It’s the only way he can keep going.

  
“Sixty eight, the horizon.”   



	26. 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Pugilist - Keaton Henson

33

Keith didn’t realize he was nearly falling asleep where he sat until Shiro came up and put a hand on his shoulder. It made him jump before turning to the man who was like a brother to him.  
“Shiro.” Keith says suddenly. “What’s going on?”  
“Nothing, nothing.” Shiro says dismissively. “Just, why don’t you go get some sleep?”  
“I can’t sleep.”  
“At least try.” Shiro says calmly. “Lance would want it. And we need everyone at their best when it’s go time.”  
Keith doesn’t say anything for a while. He listens to the radio. It’s quiet so it must be late. All he can hear is Lance’s unsteady breathing. More than Keith would like to admit, it pains him to hear Lance so quiet. In the past few days, he realizes he’s come to rely on that voice to bring him out of his funk. The halls of the castle are quiet and ominous without him singing or riling up the others.  
At last, Keith nods and gets up. He had planned to go to his room but ended up in front of Lance’s instead. Looking at the door to the blue paladin’s room, Keith wasn’t sure what he was thinking. Why am I going here? It’s not like Lance is here. This is stupid.  
But he opened the door anyway.  
Once inside, he was struck with the familiar scent of Lance It was odd because before that moment, he hadn’t particularly paid any attention to how anyone smelled. But, this was a pleasant scent. Something like the smell of summer wind. For a moment, Keith found himself lulled, forgetting that this was only Lance’s room, not the idiot himself.  
He stops and looks down at the table. The writing on the open page was Lance’s. It was frustrated, angry writing, scribbled onto the thin paper in rough scratches. Without meaning to pry, Keith bent down to look at the words there.

WHY WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME?!

This is a trap. I can feel it. I have said so numerous times, well, tried to say so numerous times, but no one has listened. Instead, they want to push forward to see what we should do.  
I think we should do anything but what that asshole wants. It’s a horrible idea. All of this is.

#27 - being listened to again  
#28 - Getting home

“Being listened…” Keith voices the line quietly then flips to the front of the notebook. When he reads the words there, his eyes grow wide.

_**Reasons for my heart to keep beating.** _

Then, slowly Keith began to read. All the pain Lance had been holding in swells over him in this unrealistically powerful wave. His eyes water, somehow able to hear Lance’s voice saying all of this. Especially after their nights together where Lance recollected memories and stories one after the other.

Late night talks with Keith  
Keith’s hair  
Keith’s return

Keith doesn’t realize he’s started to cry until the tear hit the page beneath him. It was tears for Lance’s pain, tears for the fact that he can’t do anything. Even more, it was tears that there is someone who really cares for him. That idiot, despite his loudmouthing and stupid pickup lines, despite his obnoxious laugh and even though he still liked to hit on everything in this stupid universe, Lance actually cared about him. It showed in what he said on these pages and what he didn’t.  
Despite his obvious friendship with Hunk and his idolization of Shiro, it was Keith that was mentioned most in these pages. And not just how Keith looks or what he says, but he fears for Keith and listens to his stories and wants to be there for him.  
All of this only causes Keith to cry more, lost between the longing to want to save Lance and the anger with himself that he never said more. He collapses onto Lance’s bed, swollen eyes and burning chest, Keith holds the notebook as he attempts to calm himself. If they don’t save this boy, Keith will never forgive himself.  
Lance cared for him, and Keith left him. All his life, he’s been left behind and he never stopped to think he might be doing the same to someone else. God, if he’d had any idea...


	27. 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heal - Tom Odell

34

“I FOUND IT!” Pidge shouted. She didn’t care what time it was. Heck, she didn’t care if anyone else was around. If she wasn’t so focused, Pidge might have danced in her place. It had taken way longer than she’d wanted but finally Pidge had tracked the ship that holds Lance. Furiously typing, Pidge doesn’t even realize the others have entered the room.  
“Did you find the ship?!” Hunk questions anxiously.  
“I did.” She admits without looking away from what she was doing. “And now I’m trying to get access to their system so I can get into any cameras.” Her hands don’t stop. They were finally close to saving Lance! “If I can get into these I can find us a good route.”  
“Excellent job Pidge!” Shiro puts his hand on her back proudly. “I should go tell Keith.” 

In the room, Keith had been sleeping uneasily. It’s hard to get comfortable with everything on his mind. How had he been so blind to Lance’s feelings? Sure, they had been close, but Keith always kind of assumed that was all. He jumps when he hears Shiro at Lance’s door.  
“Keith did you come in here?” He sounds worried.  
“Yeah, sorry Shiro.” Keith stands and puts the notebook back onto the side table. He didn’t need the others to know this part of Lance. Not without Lance here and deciding that’s what he wanted. Finally, he opens the door to a frantic Shiro.  
“Pidge found the ship!”  
Keith hears the words and they hit him like a wall. He can’t move at first. They found the ship...They found the ship! Suddenly, before Keith even realizes what he’s doing, he is in the hall, watching Pidge work.  
“Where is it?” He asks, voice full of too many emotions to decipher.   
“We’re nearing its location now, but staying cloaked.” She responds. “I’m trying to- Keith!” Pidge hears him take off and finally stops what she’s doing. “Wait! Keith, we don’t know-”  
Keith spins around with one hand clenched in a tight fist. He isn’t sure what to say at first but finally finds the words.  
“I can’t just sit around and wait anymore. You found it, then I’m going. You can help me once I’m there, but I can’t leave Lance there anymore.” He then takes off to find his ship, ignoring the pleas to just wait a little longer so they can make a plan.

Back on the ship, Lance is nearly managing to sleep again. His body is weak and his mind is a clutter of what’s real and what’s only his imagination. Unable to rest, Lance takes a deep breath and looks around. It’s so dark he can hardly see, but over time, he’s come to know the room well. Between shocks and magic pulling at his brain, Lance has looked around. Maybe he’d be lucky enough to make a run for it one of these days. Run. Ha. Like he could run right now if his life depended on it.  
“Alright Lance,” He tries to motivate himself after that thought. “Let’s see...sixty nine would have to be…” His mind would surely go into the gutter at any other time, but it throbs too much for that anymore. “Hunk’s cooking.” Lance feels his stomach grumbling and laughs. “Man Hunk… I sure miss you buddy.”

Meanwhile, Pidge has gotten into the cameras and was rapidly trying to plot a course for Keith. She still grumbles, cursing the hot head’s actions. Shiro had kindly reminded her that love makes you do stupid things. Pidge and groaned, “then I hope I never fall in love,” had been her smart aleck response.   
While directing Keith, Pidge finds the camera in the room with Lance and covers her mouth. He’s broken visibly. It pains her to see him like this. But, he’s talking. Some time ago, she’d silenced the radio because he was sleeping and the rhythmic breathing had been lulling her to sleep. Seeing him speaking, Pidge turns it back on.  
“I remember us skipping Iverson’s class to go try out that new restaurant. Man, I basically had to drag you down the street even though you had been the one to tell me about it. Do you remember that?” Lance’s voice is gravelly but the laugh that follows this short story is real.   
Hunk nearly dropped the plate he was carrying when he hears this story. He did remember that day. It wasn’t long before they had met Pidge.  
“Seventy.” Lance’s chest is heavy as he continues his list. He missed them all. A lot. His eyes start to water. “Pidge’s jokes.”  
Pidge turns to the camera, watching as Lance grins sadly. She wants to keep watching but Keith was nearly to the ship. One hand is a tight fist as she listens to Lance.  
“I thought you were going to just be some shy nerd when we first met.” He says which makes Pidge raise an eyebrow. “But man, you are freaking hilarious Pidgeon. I love staying up and making fun of everyone with you.” He laughs again.  
“Seventy one is Shiro’s scolding for sure.” Lance pauses to cough for a while, the motion causes his whole body to convulse. “Space dad always knows best. I understand why everyone loves you. Sure, you might be more serious than you need to be, but you really do know what’s best for all of us. Keep everyone safe, man.”

“I’ve made it inside.” Keith interrupts, not realizing what is going on.  
Pidge quickly explains the directions and warns him which ways not to go if he wants to avoid the not sleeping guards. Then her eyes find they are bouncing between cameras, not wanting Keith to be caught but also unable to turn away from Lance’s stories.  
“Please hurry Keith. He’s...not well.” Pidge admits quietly.  
“What do you think I’m doing?” Keith barks back in a hushed voice as he darts down the hall. All of his training with The Blades have proven helpful. He’s hardly making a sound as he slips down the hall.

“Seventy two is Keith’s stupid smile.” Lance’s smile fades away a bit as he says this, a tear finally sliding down his cheek. “I hated that smile the first time I-” He cuts himself off with a bitter laugh. “That’s a lie.”   
Hunk watches the camera, tears for Lance’s well-being streaming down his face as he worries for his friends. Allura had come back into the main area upon hearing all the noise and took her spot beside Hunk. She rubs his shoulder, knowing of them all Hunk was usually the most emotional.  
“I don’t think I ever actually hated you, Keith. That was the problem.” He laughs again. “I was so envious of everything you could do. Sure, Shiro was my hero and I always looked up to him. But you were living just like me and doing so much more. You were less of an idol and more of… I don’t know…” He chuckles sadly. “I’m sorry I never said more to you. I wish I had. It may be my greatest regret.”  
Lance stops as the door opens. He clenches his eyes shut, tired of the torture. All he wants is for the pain to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, needed a few days off for holidays and to work on my comics and such.   
> Check them out if you want!!
> 
> http://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/sinfully-yours/list?title_no=98324  
> http://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/aerodynamic/list?title_no=98292  
> http://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/facade/list?title_no=98289  
> https://www.patreon.com/Sinfullyyours


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